On ‘Toxic’ Masculinity.

I’m going to pour myself a glass of water.

Cool, clear. Healthy. Vital for survival. Nourishing, refreshing, revitalizing. Essential.

Now let’s add a household cleaning agent to it.

F*ck it, let’s add poison.

Add Pine-Sol. Let’s add bleach. In fact, we can add any other deadly agent.

Now, do I really want to drink that water? No. Why? It’s toxic.

Does this mean I hate water because I don’t want to drink that glass of nastiness we just created? No, not at all. Anyone with a brain could see that’s a ridiculous statement. I don’t all of a sudden ‘hate water.’ I just don’t want to drink toxic water because I know the difference between what’s good for me and what’s harmful.

Take masculinity.

Strength. Courage. Character. Protectiveness. Honesty. Integrity. Accountability. Spirit. Competitiveness. Support. Compassion. Caring.

Now let’s add some not-so-healthy attributes, behaviors, impulses, etc.

We’ll add misplaced rage. We can add deeply-entrenched generational misogyny. Let’s add homophobia. Let’s add physical and emotional abusiveness, generations of it, in fact, why not? Now let’s add a strange, impulsive need to establish dominance over others. Let's add sexual harassment. Throw in sexual assault. Let's add in a weirdly predatory worldview.

Let’s add years of really unhelpful cultural conditioning (raises hand). Maybe we can add repression, the kind that creates unpredictable volcanic outbursts (points to self).

Now, let’s add a heavy dash of emotional immaturity (guilty). Let’s keep adding self-destructive behaviors. Add acting out (check). Let’s add any other unhealthy characteristic we can think of. Gaslighting? Sure. Mansplaining? (Well, actually-- that's a real thing), catcalling women on the street? Throw it in the glass.

Now, do I really want to be the guy with all those unhealthy traits & behaviors added? No. Why? They’re toxic. Toxic to relationships, toxic to workplaces, social situations, families and, in fact, toxic to me. These traits & behaviors lead to wrecked lives, broken homes, fractured friendships, and can even lead to depression, desperation, workplace violence, and even suicide.

Does this mean I suddenly hate masculinity? No. Anyone with half a brain could see that’s a ridiculous statement. I don’t all of a sudden ‘hate masculinity.’ And I’m not suddenly ‘less of a man,’ because I don’t want those negative traits, behaviors or impulses in my glass. 

I still aspire to strength, courage, character, honesty, protectiveness, etc. I just don’t want any part of those toxic attributes because I understand the difference between what’s good for me and what’s harmful. In fact, working towards moving through any or all of those traits and behaviors through counseling, therapy, or even just a good-faith conversation about what’s going on inside us can be a helpful thing.

(And if the immediate knee-jerk reaction to taking away the stuff we just added to the glass is Dude you're asking me not to be a man anymore then... I got nothing, brother. You need to stop reading this and see a counselor asap.)

That's not to say I'm some Saint or Boy Scout. I’ve gone through-- and still experience-- my share of cloudy days. In fact, I struggle with the anger management aspect, and when it rears its ugly head there is nothing left except the reverberation of recrimination, shame, and dissipated possibilities and alternatives to how I could have handled things differently. 

My temper can be toxic to those around me. It's my Achilles heel.

But here's the thing to understand- culturally my temper just means I'm a fiery guy - a strange, socially forgivable Toxically Masculine trait. See? Not good, toxic in fact, but weirdly acceptable. That has to change, the culture has to change, I have to change because it actually isn't acceptable. A woman blowing her stack when things don't go her way doesn't get a pass like I do for being 'fired up.' She's called a hysterical mess and an emotional basket case. See? Weird when one looks deeper at it.

Honestly, though, I’m working on it.

But strangely enough, even though I've got anger management issues, the phrase Toxic Masculinity has never angered me, nor have I ever scoffed at it or felt threatened by it. There’s a part of me that understands it- because I recognize it and have felt both the first and second-hand effects (not to mention the generational familial effects) it has had upon generations of men in this country who have been told ‘boys will be boys,’ (consequences don’t apply) ‘boys don’t cry,’ (what are you, a sissy?) and ‘I’d rather die than ask for help… or directions.” (LOL that last part is a joke, you can laugh, good lord, lighten up, Tony Soprano.)

So I see the phrase 'Toxic Masculinity' as a simple way to discuss manhood like a glass of water.

If we remove the bullshit that clouds our lives, our minds, our relationships, and our emotional well-being, we can become our clear-eyed best selves. 

We can become better men.

And if we do this, it might become easier to help young men clear their glasses, too.

So the next time you hear the phrase Toxic Masculinity in reference to a set of behaviors or social mores related to the contemporary social expectation of manhood, don’t just laugh and roll your eyes. Maybe take the time to say "What exactly do you mean by that?" Then engage the conversation from there. It may pay dividends down the road.

And every day, take stock of what’s in the glass of your life.

Is it cloudy or is it clear?