Thursday, April 06, 2006

Scott Wichmann, Child of the '70's & '80s...


Are you a child of the 70s 80s or 90s?
I was born in '73, so I got to experience the best of the seventies: Star Wars, Jaws, Superman, Disco, Freddy Lynn, The Muppet Show, 'Magic Garden', The Electric Company, The Sweathogs, The Banana Splits, Olivia Newton-John (DAMN sister was fine...) 'Reggie Bars' (even though I hated Reggie Jackson) Roller-Skating, and playing outdoors all day long without anyone being afraid I was gonna get stolen, shot, stabbed, sold or hooked on crack.

Then in the '80s I discovered Atari, comic books, Dungeons & Dragons, Hip-Hop music, Slasher Flicks, Rubber Cement (That shit will FUCK YOU UP!!) parachute pants, Knight Rider, 'The Greatest American Hero, and, eventually, the opposite sex.

Unfortunately, the above list of interests caused 'the ladies'*TM to delay their interest in me until their late twenties, when most of them turned around, noticed they weren't getting any younger and their options suddenly began drying up.

Then I looked pret-ty damn good...

(*To be read with a very deep, sexy voice. No-- deeper than that. ...You disgust me.)

Where were you born?
Pittsfield, Massachussetts-- the 'pregnancy-alcoholism-lottery-ticket-sales' capital of the galaxy. And there's a Dunkin Donuts there, too....two, actually...

If born in another country, when did you come here?
...1923.

What city did you grow up in?
-Pittsfield, MA
-Oahu, Hawaii
-Bellows Falls, VT
-Factoryville, PA
-....and back to Pittsfield, MA.

The Hawaii part is true. I nearly drowned in a pool at age four.

Fuckin' Brady Kids...

Did you enjoy your childhood?
Hells yeah. except for my first childhood job --the indentured servitude of scooping up Ewok shit at the Endor national Battlefield Park, Museum & Taffy Factory.... WHAT DO THEY EAT???

When you were a kid what did you want to be?
This may sound funny, but when I was like 8 years old, I wanted to work for McDonalds. No shit. Apparently I was inspired by their corny-ass TV commercials:

-the one where it's the old guy's first day on the job; (Incredibly touching-- apparently this was before they started melting the elderly employees down into the 'McSoylent Green Shamrock Shake' mix-- you could look it up)

-The one where the kid's dad takes him to Mickey D's after the traumatic experience of having to endure his first haircut (The kids all crying & carrying on, and supposedly all it takes are some fries to calm his paralytic fear that some inept, liqured-up Mayberry barber will accidentally slice off one of his Jinormous ears)

-The one where the kid goes to McD's after dunking in a game for the first time (In the interest of full disclosure, the kid is white, so we can all safely assume it's a complete fairy tale)

-I am a total, complete and utter retard.

-actually I really just wanted to smoke a fatty with the fry guys and chill listening to some 'Bob Marley & The Hartford Whalers.'

....So, LSS* when I was fifteen, I got a job at McDonalds and stayed for four years. it was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I'm gettin misty just thinking about it.
I also wanted to be a Comic Book Artist, The Red Sox second baseman, Spider-man, the fourth Beastie Boy, and the world's first Musical-Comedy porn star. There's still time, and I'm still stupid.

(*The even shorter version of 'Long Story Short.')

What was your favorite toy when you were little?
Katie Maturvitch.

...and the Millenium Falcon.

Both were made by KENNER.

What was your first best friends name?
Satan. He ate my set of Fat Albert Shrinky Dinks.

PURE EVIL.

Are they still your best friend?
Oh yeah-- but he has the whole Real Job/2 kids/Mortgage thing, and I'm still mad about the Shrinky Dinks, so it's hard for him to have a grown-up conversation with me.

If not, who are your best friend/s now?
Zac, Steve-O, Rick, Steve Bryson, Jennie

How did you meet them?
-Zac was placed in a wicker basket on my doorstep at age fifteen. After we spent two hours getting him out of the basket, he just stayed with us.
-Steve-O and I were separated at Birth.
-Rick found me drunk in his glove compartment in '97.
-Steve Bryson carried me like Samwise Gamjee for like four years.
-Jennie is using me for sex.

Can you name all the schools you ever attendeded?
Berkshire Center for Families & Children
Springside (Kindergarten)
Lenoxdale Elementary- 1st & 2nd Grade
Lenox (Cameron) Elementary(MA)- 3rd Grade
Westminster Elementary (VT)- 4th & 5th Grade
Factoryville Elementary- (PA)6th Grade
Lackawanna Trail JrSrHS-(PA) 7th, 8th, 9th Grade
Pittsfield High School- (MA) 10th, 11th, 12th Grade
Wagner College
Alcoholics Anonymous

Who was your first crush?
Helen Slater from the 'Supergirl' movie (Pictured above. Dreamy, huh??)-- I kept waving at the screen but she never noticed me.

Were you a shy quiet kid or a very wild and roudy kid?
Do you mean 'Rowdy?'
Jesus, MYSPACE is hiring MFA's to write these things, huh??
Both. I would go off like the class clown and then be all like, "Don't approach me... I'm about to be brilliant," then withdraw and begin eating paste.
That was during my senior year.
Of college.

When you were little what did you do for fun?
Black tar heroin.

Were you closer to your Mom or Dad as a kid?
Mom-- she was my supplier.

Do you have any embarrassing school stories to share?
Yeah, this one time Fonzie had to show up at the High school to rescue Richie Cunningham from this bully-- You should have seen the look on the bully's face--
oh, you meant me.
Well, I lost my lunch money to Theresa Bauer on a bet that the Sox would win game 7 of the 1986 world series. So not only was I heart-broken when the Sox lost, but I went hungry the following day (tuesday,October 28, 1986). But she was smokin'-hot so I really didn't care. That was the first time I gave a smokin'-hot girl money to make me feel bad.

Now I do it at least twice a week.

What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying?
Culture Club's 'Coulour By Numbers.' I played it like 292,867 times. By my calculations, I'll probably be gay any minute now.

How old did you want to be when you got married?
Older than 30. It was real close-- I was 29 when I tied the knot. My wife said she loved me just before the last rose petal fell.(We're still waiting for me to transform...)

How old to have kids?
I'm gonna say somewhere in my seventies, like Tony Randall.

Were you scared of anything?
Max Schreck's NOSFERATU, The film MAGIC with Anthony Hopkins, and ventriloquist dummies in general, except for Willie Tyler & Lester... They were too cool to make me afraid.

YOU DIG??

What was your favorite class in school?
Gym, Art Class, and Naptime, although I'd wake up with my face stuck to the little blue mats we slept on... covered in someone else's blood...

Did you buy school lunch or bring your own?
A mixture of both-- sometimes I sold my lunch to keep our school arts programs up and running.

Broke any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid?
Yes, the high-stakes world of second-grade NHL Wagering is the seedy underbelly of the elementary education system. I can't say more than that because I owe Two-Grand to a Brownie on accounta the San Jose Sharks lost last night... Keep an ear to the ground, willya?? If a three-foot chick flashes a Merit Badge, RUN!!

Were you a meanie head or miss priss?
I was a nice, normal kid with a healthy dose of self-loathing and low self-esteem, but the cult took me in and put me in charge of the Drive-Thru Window. Problem solved.

Favorite board game of all time?
'Naked Hot Lesbian Jello Twister' From HASBRO

Did you play house or pretend to be a super hero?
Both. I orchestrated elaborate super-domestic scenarios such as 'Superman Making a corned-beef sandwich', 'HULK's Crushing depression,' and 'Green Lantern breast feeding Sinestro'. My favorite was 'Captain America injecting performance-enhancing drugs in the bathroom while somehow keeping it a secret from the media & his immediate family'

Random memory from when you were a kid.
That time I said 'Huey Lewis & the News are the greatest band EVER.' I MEANT it.
The 'heart of rock n' roll' is STILL beating.

In Cleveland...

DETROIT!!!...

Seriously..are you still just a kid at heart?
I WANT PINEAPPLE JUICE!!! DOODY-HEAD!!!

*FART!!* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Any more questions?? Where are you going??... punk bitch...

(SIGH)

haha...'doody-head'....

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